My friend was inviting people over for a BBQ this weekend and he asked me to bring pickles, specifically Dill pickles. When I asked him why it mattered what kind, he just told me, "It's kind of a big Dill over here..."
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I met someone from a band who plays the tuba and he mentioned recently having a break in his instrument. So when I asked how he fixes it, he just told me "Oh, I use a tuba glue."
(Let the regular schedule of Dad jokes commence again)
I was out at a party the other day when I noticed a guy walking in holding a roll of toilet paper. I asked my friend if he knew who that guy was, and his response was "Oh that guy? Yeah... that's the party pooper."
I recently started going back to the gym on a normal routine, but I had to miss out on a day of going to the gym. My buddy said, "Don't worry if you miss a gym session.... everything will work-out eventually."
I was recently talking to a tennis player the other day as he was sitting alone by the tennis court. As we talked, I asked if he ever fell in love, but he seemed to be a bit confused. I finally understood why, because... love means nothing to them.
(Tennis score pun; signifies a score of zero)
I recently heard of a new band called 1023MB. They sound really good and I enjoy their music but it's a shame they have not got a Gig yet...
(for non-techies: 1024MB = 1GB)
I attended the funeral of the inventor of cough drops. When I asked why his body was just lying there on an open table, one of his friends turned to me and said, "There is no coughing (coffin) at his funeral."
Let's start 2026 with another terrible pun
Sitting at the beach the other day, enjoying some relaxing time, I realized I had to head back home. I looked at the ocean and gave it some finger guns then said "Sea you later"
My first terrible joke from retirement
During an interview with a historic ninja, the interviewer asked the question "What kind of shoes would a ninja recommend for the job?" His answer was sneak-ers
Sometimes I always think about making jokes about paper.. but then I realize they are just tear-able
Getting ready for the Spring time, I planned to get into beekeeping. I started off with an order of a dozen bees but when the guy came to drop them off, I counted 13. He said "aah, it's a free bee."
Anytime I am driving and I see a bunch of cows I always say: Look a flock of cows! Someone will correct me and say "herd of cows."
I always reply "Of course I've heard of them, there's a flock of them right over there!"
I have a farmer friend who tells me that he's constantly getting positive feedback on his fields. Curious, I asked why - he said it was because his scarecrows are outstanding in the fields
I hired a handyman to do some tasks around the house. When I checked in with him, he only did every other task on my list (Task 1, 3, 5, etc). Turns out, he only does odd jobs...
For 2025, I wanted to start a new hobby of growing a herb garden... but I just couldn't find the thyme to do so.
I decided to visit the local aquarium this past weekend as it seemed like a good time. When I got there, I left early because something seemed fishy about that place...
I bought some velcro Sketchers the other day.... they are a total rip-off!
My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but... that's his story and he's sticking to it.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk
I was staying at a hotel on vacation one time and they said they charged extra to use the air conditioning. That was so un-cool of them for that -
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